MATCHING UP MARTHA
Let’s pretend, for the purpose of this blog post, that I am not a slightly neurotic, macaroon-hating, 24-year-old female; but an artisan coffee-guzzling, silver fox with a luxury sedan and a green thumb…and I’m on a quest – for Martha Stewart.
In case you haven’t heard, M.Diddy (as they called her in the clink) is the newest member of Match.com. The 71-year-old mogul is searching for someone who loves “animals, grandchildren, and the outdoors.” What sounds simple enough becomes exceedingly complicated when you factor in international fame and a net worth of over $600 mil. Plan on treating her to a five star meal? She wrote the recipe. In fact, she’s home perfecting it at this very moment – using nothing but namesake, cast-iron cookware from Macy’s.
Courting Martha Stewart seems decidedly unfun. Thus, I had no choice but to propose an itinerary for our first date.
Food – A first date should be low-key, no pressure. Assuming Martha and I will be meeting up in the city, a food truck seems like the perfect choice. Dinner on wheels is all the rage. Not only does it scream hip, it eliminates all accountability. There is a mutual understanding that cramps may ensue; after all, your taco was cooked on a hot plate in the back of a repurposed van.
Fun – Provided she doesn’t receive an “emergency exit” phone call from her pal Matt Lauer, next stop is the park. What’s more romantic than a sunset stroll? Well, a woman in sensible shoes, of course.
Film – Last stop is a classic… Let’s go to the movies! Specifically, “The Big Wedding.” I’ve taken the liberty of pre-screening for appropriateness, and while the all-star cast does not quite overshadow the lack of both rom and com, Diane Keaton’s still got it. Grab Martha a popcorn and tell her how much she resembles the A-List actress – ladies love compliments.
What do you think…would she call me back?
In all honesty, men must find Martha’s success extremely intimidating… Forget boyfriends – I’d rather find the Gayle to my Oprah.
Unfun Fact: I’ll tell you later.