Today I took a BuzzFeed quiz…and then I took another, and another. Before I knew it an hour had passed; an hour that could have been better spent brainstorming ideas for a new vegetable hybrid (Brusselkale, anyone?) or watching strangers on YouTube wash their face. The last time I got duped on such a level was when my coworker convinced me to order lunch from the new corner de-LUXE-catessen. You know – the type with $16 salads and a staff that makes you feel stupid for not knowing the correct pronunciation of “jicama.”
Bite number one is delicious, but that’s only because your blood sugar is low. Halfway through you realize you don’t even like arugula, and it’s possible you’ve been swayed by hand-lettered chalkboard menus and overzealous Yelp reviews. The emptiness you feel at the bottom of the bowl is a void that can only be filled by double digit Instagram likes…Don’t worry, it will taste better in retrospect Kelvin.
The only difference between BuzzFeed and a millennial salad is the price tag – and I didn’t pay to ride this rollercoaster of emotion.
What Disney Ride Are You? It’s A Small World
BuzzFeed, you really hit the nail on the head with this one; unfun with just a touch of whimsy! Maybe there really is something to these internet algorithms…Should I try eHarmony?
What City Should You Actually Live In? Portland, OR
Will Fred Armisen be there? While I appreciate an artisanal pickle, I’m not sure it’s worth the six hour flight. We should discuss this further over coffee.
Which GIRLS Character Are You? Shoshanna
At this point I feel like we’ve veered a little off course. Sure I weave myself an intricate topknot on occasion, but that can’t be the only criteria. Contrary to popular belief you can still be uptight in a 90’s-era-J.Lo inspired wardrobe. What I am is what I am…and that’s a Marnie.
Kate Moss might be the original hot mess. Sure, her hair is always perfectly tousled, but if it takes four cocktails and a whirlwind night of dancing to achieve it, well then I just can’t hang. If there’s one thing I do consider fun it’s late night pizza, and this bitch is sure to give that activity the axe. BuzzFeed, we should take a break.
What “Trendy” Thing Would You Really Love If You Tried It? Being all about brunch.
I’m sorry I ever doubted you. This Sunday mimosas are on me.
Unfun Fact: BuzzFeed is the best friend who never remembers your birthday.